weirdness

When I started this blog almost a year ago, I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do with it. I knew I had all of these stories, and I just wanted to get them down and figure out what, if anything, to do with them later. In the fall, I took a class called Autobiography Into Art. That class helped me shape my stories and figure out what to do with them.

I began writing a series of stories, starting with Zithead, that described my childhood as, well, a zithead. Other stories came after that first. Stories about the different doctors and treatments I tried, about how I was treated and how I reacted. I am now about a quarter of the way through with what I hope to be a memoir entitled "Zithead". And now, I am stuck.

Since I have started writing the zithead stories, some very strange things have been happening. First, my skin has started breaking out worse than it has in years. At 34, that's not such a great feeling, but it probably isn't as bad as being 13 with acne. In some respects, these outbreaks have been helpful, reminding what it felt like all of those years ago.

Maybe worse than my skin issue is the fact that I have been harboring two very unwelcome house guests over the past few months - depression and anxiety. Don't act surprised. If you have been reading any of these stories, I think it follows naturally that I would have some psychic, as well as physical, scars from my childhood. I have been both ashamed and embarrassed to write about this part of my life. But then I started reading over some of my previous blog stories. I have written about carrying my own poo down a flight of stairs (see The Floater). I have revealed how I let a boy feel me up in a pool and then lied about it (see How Second Base Led to my First Boyfriend). I rigged a contest to win a camera, alienating my first crush before I even had a chance to make him fall in love with me (see The Contest). So talking about a couple of little things like anxiety and depression should be no shame. After all, there are plentiful commercials detailing how my little sorrows are alienating my cat and destroying my marriage, so surely these topics are fit for blog discussion.

I guess it's only logical that writing about these old episodes would stir up some emotional sludge. So I am in the process of draining the mental pool and giving it all a good cleaning. I started a new story, weeks ago, and I am trying hard to get back on track. Who knows? Maybe this blog entry will someday appear as the epilogue to "Zithead". Stay tuned!

Continue reading...